A pretty shitty time?
A pretty shitty time?
No, I've always been good enough.
Sara,
Going on tour has always been an equal mix of good and bad for me.
The good parts: I get to share my music, see friends, be on stage, discover new places, visit favourite cities, see the world, and live a unique life. It gives my life at home context, meaning, and space to breathe to be away. It’s the best and the worst part: needing space to appreciate what I have.
But going on tour feels bad too. It’s hard to leave so much of what I love behind. I imagine it’s hard to be left behind too. It’s not easy dismantling my life to live a second one; crossing my fingers, it will all be there when I get back. The nomadic, search for purpose and meaning and connection feels damaging to everything stable, consistent and familiar at home.
For the last handful of years, I’ve been pursuing something else. Balance. Calm. Structure. Comfort. I wanted a fuller life, not a bigger life. It’s hard to have all these news things I’ve acquired and be untethered, on the road, in a different city every day. But I try.
One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned being in a band is that no matter how much I sacrifice, or how many shows I play, or how many hours I devote to the music and the show, there will always, ALWAYS be someone there to tell me it’s not enough. That I’m not enough. More often than not, it’s me. That voice in my head will always be louder than anyone else's. There’s a comfort in that.
At eighteen I wasn’t sure who I was, or what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. But the dozen or so times I’d been on stage in front of an audience with you had left me with enough information to know that I liked it enough to try after we graduated. Try to make it a job. Try to build a career. Try to make music my life. At forty-two I’m still trying to figure it out. Still trying to make it fit. Make it right. Still trying. I might never be good enough. But who’s to say what’s good enough? Our albums, our show, our career: is it not ours? Unique and special and of our own design? What am I measuring myself against? What do I compare myself to? Maybe this year I’ll stop doing that. Maybe if it’s up to me, right now, at this moment to decide what’s good enough, I would say I think I’m good enough. I think what we’re doing is good enough. The amount of touring we’re doing is good enough. The lives we are building at home, they’re good enough.
Tegan
PS - The music in the video is the demo of Pretty Shitty Time off Crybaby!
PPS Photos in the video are from the Crybaby tour. See the list of amazing photographers below and be sure to check them out, follow them, show them love on Instagram!
A pretty shitty time?