My first serious adult relationship started when I was twenty. I feel fondness for the person I was then and the girl I was with. We were so young. It was such a different time. But our five-year union was mostly challenging. She was closeted, and even when it was the two of us, I could feel her god and the strict conditions she’d been raised under between us.
In hindsight, I can see how much she tried, and how difficult it was to be with me because of who she was, where she came from, and what she believed. But it was tough to be loved and then left, and then loved again. To be cloaked in the guilt and torment she felt was existentially exhausting. For both of us.
Sometimes she’d go missing, not returning my calls for weeks at a time. I learned to be calm, and patient, to leave her alone. In her absence, I wrote music. “And Darling” was about a stretch where we weren’t speaking, and I saw her out with a girl I suspected she was sleeping with. To my horror, we made eye contact through the glass of the restaurant they were at, and her cheeks flushed. Guilt has so many tells. She rushed outside, performing surprise and pleasure to see me in equal parts. I was too shattered to say much. I certainly didn’t call her out. I was so timid, afraid of the truth. She didn’t call me for a few days after. But when she did call, I was relieved, not angry. She couldn’t live without me; I felt the same. We moved in together not long after that.
Funny how that kind of love can feel so meaningful when you’re in it. But with distance, I see how bad it was for me. For her too. But the songs…well, I’m grateful for the songs.
Listen to the audio recording of this post to hear an acoustic recording of Tegan singing “And Darling.”
And Darling
Creep up and tell me that you, you love me more each time you look into my eyes, I feel like. I know you don't mean to be mean, I'm sure you know the same for me when you creep up and tell me.
Darling, it breaks my heart each time you
Darling, you break my heart each time you
You slip your hands inside my pockets, tell me nothing else would do, without me, you can't live. You slip your heart into my chest, they both become one of the strongest pairs when strangers call.
And darling, this thing that breaks my heart
Darling, you break my heart each time you
Darling, this thing that breaks my heart and
Darling, you break my heart each time you
We are going on tour in 2024. If you want to hear more songs from “If It Was You” get tickets! We won’t be taking the Not Tonight tour to many other places, so if you’re desperate to see a two-hour show of T&S storytelling and singing acoustic this is your chance. Don’t sleep on it!
March 20 – Richmond Hill, ON – Richmond Hill Centre for the Performing Arts
March 21 – Brantford, ON – Sanderson Centre for the Performing Arts
March 22 – Brampton, ON – The Rose Brampton
March 26 – Ottawa, ON – Meridian Theatres @ Centrepointe
March 27 – Kingston, ON – Kingston Grand Theatre
March 28 – Chatham-Kent, ON – Chatham Capitol Theatre
March 30 – Milton, ON – Mattamy Theatre
March 31 – Huntsville, ON – Legacy Hall
April 3 – St. Catharines, ON – FirstOntario Performing Arts Centre
April 5 – Oakville, ON – Oakville Centre for the Performing Arts
April 6 – North Bay, ON – The Capitol Centre
April 7 – Guelph, ON – River Run Centre
