When I found out that Stacy was pregnant, I began to wish for more time. Nine months was plenty to prepare for Sid’s arrival, but it was the time after his birth that I began to worry was not long enough. I was always preoccupied by a fear of dying young, but this desire for more time, has found a new context now that I’m a mom. Forty two is not a milestone birthday but this year I spent much of it thinking about Sid, and the birthdays he will celebrate without me. At 42, I don’t feel ready to be a child without a mother. Will Sid?
I plan to live a long and happy life, but because of Sid, what once felt like a foggy future has sharpened into focus. When he is 18, I will be 60, which is how old Mom was when we celebrated her birthday on a family trip to Greece. Looking at photographs of us then, I am reassured by how stylish and fit she was. I was 38 but could have passed for much younger.