People are always asking us questions. But we rarely ask each other questions. I would love it if you could answer these questions I have for you. I promise to listen.
Tegan: Please write a short bio for each of your cats.
Sara: Holiday, born Daphne, grew up in West Hollywood in a crowded apartment complex. Her mother was an unfriendly Scottish fold and was regularly forced to copulate with her father, a Scottish straight, who lived in the apartment next door. It was a fend for yourself living situation, and when a lady came to take her away for good, she didn’t care to say goodbye. In the air-conditioned vehicle, her new parents called her Holiday, a name she understood to mean, your life will be a hell of a lot easier now, Daphne. Life would be spent lounging and sleeping on expensive furniture, scratching said furniture, and leaving reams of fur on all surfaces of her new home. She would come to accept these women and how they stared deeply into her eyes, expressing embarrassing declarations of love. She couldn’t bear to tell them that she preferred her original name and the gas station food she’d eaten since birth. She appreciated that they’d fixed her and that she, unlike her mother, wouldn’t be forced to have unwanted sex. Then came Mickey.
Mickey had been born into a life of extravagance in northern California. He hadn’t heard a toilet flush or a vacuum scream until the insane ladies picked him up in a gas-guzzling SUV and drove him five hours south into hell. That these women were surprised to discover that he had difficulty relieving himself without stepping in his feces, or spreading it throughout the house, was galling. He was used to being cleaned for hours by his mother, and Daphne had made it clear to him on day one that she was not his mother. And she wasn’t his girlfriend either. “They took all my parts out,” she’d told him after he’d suggested that they might one day have kittens. Poor Daphne, Mickey had thought. One day the women had taken him on a terrifying car ride, and when he woke up, his nuts were crushed. Fine, he wanted to stay a baby forever. Sometimes he feels so hopeless he pees on the expensive furniture to remind himself that he is in control.
Tegan: Place an ad for your services. Please outline the skills you have and what job you are best suited for.