Sara,
I don’t remember our 21st birthday. We weren’t on tour, so we were probably at home in Vancouver, celebrating together, or maybe we went back to Calgary as we often did for birthdays after moving away from home. I do remember being relieved after we finally turned 21. At that point, we’d been on tour for three years, and the constant negotiation of what to do before and after American shows plagued us. It feels comical now to remember promoters and club managers insisting we couldn’t stay at the club after we played. We were tossed out of backstage after so many of our sets to sit in the van or wait in the alley because we were too young to be in the venue.
When we tried to stay, it was always a whole thing about liquor licenses and underage drinking. But we didn’t even want to drink on tour. We liked being sober, clear-headed. We had a bus station to navigate, a hotel to find, a performance to do, expensive guitars to take care of, and a giant hockey bag full of merchandise to protect. It was hard work. Besides, it was mostly just you and me in those days anyway. We always played sober, and we were well past partying. High school had been our time to get wasted and be stupid. Maybe that’s why all I remember about turning 21 is that we stopped getting kicked out of American venues after we played.
I’ve been thinking about our birthday since we went for dinner with Seazynn and Railey to celebrate their 21st birthday this past weekend in Calgary. The night felt extra special since the official announcement that they have been cast to play us on our TV show High School had finally come out that day.
Though they’ll (Seazynn and Railey) be playing us at 15 years old, I think about their actual age a lot when I’m with them. It’s hard for me not to track back to when we were in our early 20s, and contrast and compare. When Seazynn and Railey were first cast for the show last year, I thought a lot about what you and I were doing at their age. 20. A lifetime ago. We signed a record deal and went on tour with Neil Young.
Then we toured Canada alone on the Greyhound bus before we flew to the UK and Europe. Remember how we had to eat out of the minibar after we tried to use American money to buy McDonald's in Milan and they wouldn’t take it? We didn’t have cell phones, computers, or credit cards. It was lonely, scary, so overwhelming, but it was what I wanted. We were playing music, as a job. It was surreal. And awful. And it was hard to explain to people why I felt a range of emotions, some negative, as opposed to just pure joy. To everyone else, we had achieved our dream. But was it really ever our dream?
I know acting wasn’t Seazynn and Railey's dream. So I project that they might feel like we did then. Lucky, and grateful, but also terrified, unsure, and conflicted. But they are so talented, so sweet, there is just something so special about them. There are some striking similarities to the way they interact with one another which I find fascinating to see. We’ve never been friends with identical twins before. Do you find yourself thinking, this is what it feels like to be around us when you are around them? I do. I can see they are excited and nervous, struggling to accept and appreciate and lean into this massive opportunity. Just like us when our big chance came along at 20; I felt equally happy and sad when we signed our first record contract.
Though our story of starting out is not really anything like theirs, in a way it’s similar enough for me to confidently imagine what they are feeling. They had to leave their jobs, their friends, their family, and move to LA. Just the two of them. And that’s kind of what happened to us after we signed our deal. Remember when we went to LA the first time? We were not even 20 yet. Vapor Records brought us in to play that weird TV show, remember? They put us up in a motel in Santa Monica and gave us $20 each a day to eat. A fortune to us. So we ate at McDonald’s every single meal. I remember one night — watching the sun go down, sitting in gravely sand, our shoes and socks off, staring at the Pacific Ocean — asking you if you thought it was strange that we were there, while our friends were back home, in college. I felt like an alien. So alone. Even though you were right there with me.
I imagine sometimes that Seazynn and Railey might feel that way too. When we hang out, they are honest about feeling nervous to act, to play music, to take all this on. Less than a year ago, they were making pizza in Fresno California where they grew up. They are afraid to let everyone down. We were like that too. I feel like it’s a good sign that they care. I am glad they ask so many questions. I find it hard not to parent them; to protect them; to tell them what to do. But I’m trying not to. I was desperate for guidance at their age, but there were so few people to guide us. I hope we are good guides; that having us around makes it a bit easier.
But I know there are a lot of things we can’t help with. So much we don’t know. Playing music is different from being the lead on a TV show. Especially when you compare what we were doing to what they are doing. We were in a teeny tiny indie band; they are the leads on a show for IMDB and Amazon. They must feel so much pressure (I do). But I remember feeling pressure too. To “make it.” To be good. To prove we were worth all the hype. Everyone would tell us back then, at least you have each other, which was true but that did little to salve the wounds we caused each other constantly.
As identical twins, bound together in this new role, I wonder if Seazynn and Railey will go through something similar? They have each other as we did, but it won’t always feel like enough. I feel responsible in a way for their wellbeing. I don’t want them to suffer as we did, to feel the pressure and stress and anxiety. But they will. It’s a rite of passage. Everyone goes through it, in one way or another. Kind of like high school or celebrating your twenty-first birthday. There are parallels to all of these early milestones as we become adults, whether you’re at college, fronting a band, running a pizza joint, or starring in a TV show.
When we turned 21 everyone else finally saw us as adults, but we’d been playing adults for years. I guess we were like actors in a way. I keep reassuring Seazynn and Railey they are perfect to play us at 15 because, like us, they are just finding their way in the world, figuring out who they are, what they are capable of, and whom they will become. That’s hard to emulate when you’ve already figured it out. I know they’re going to do great. They’re absolutely perfect.
But still, can you imagine? All that at such a young age? Makes what we did seem a lot easier. But it also makes me feel a new sense of empathy for you and me, and how hard it was when we were first getting started. We had to grow up fast, and Seazynn and Railey will too. We were overwhelmed a lot, but we figured it out eventually. In hindsight, we probably didn’t give ourselves enough credit back then, or now, and we definitely didn’t have enough empathy for each other and what we were going through. We still don’t. I hope Seazynn and Railey have more empathy for each other than we do. And we should probably work harder to be kinder and more understanding to each other. Like they are. Let’s start this week. We’re making a TV show about our lives and we should be fucking proud that we got here. When I think back to the first half a dozen years of our career, I’ll tell you what I never imagined, any of this. So let’s fucking have a good time this year. We made it.
Tegan
PS
I know you’ll hate that I said we made it, I’m just joking.
Barely Legal