Sara –
I saw a post on social media this morning that said, “Every time I don’t want to walk my dog, I remember that it’s his favorite part of the day.” I thought about it for some time before I got up. I’ve never been motivated by guilt, so I don’t know how helpful this advice will be in my life when I don’t feel like walking Georgia, but I’ll try it out when I get home in a month. I did, however, try to apply it to touring. In the recent past, I hated it. We hit a ceiling; I lost the feeling, etc. I felt lackluster on the road, unable to motivate myself to do much during the day. I languished waiting for show time. I felt lonely. I was constantly asking myself why I was still doing this; why I was still leaving behind my life to barely live one on tour. THE SHOW! I reminded myself again and again. The best part of my day. But it wasn’t. It hadn’t been for a long time. I tell myself this all started during Love You To Death, but I think it was always there, since the beginning.
But it was during the Love you To Death record cycle that started in 2015 when things really changed. When I was on stage, I felt low energy, and the audience felt muted, like they were moving in slow motion. I’d pop out my in-ear monitors during songs to hear them and just hear ringing. I tried to have fun, to remind myself I was burned out from nearly twenty years of being on the road, but it’s more than that. Unlike Georgia, who loves going for the same walk three times every single day, I was tired of everything associated with being in Tegan and Sara — including you. I felt comforted by the fact that you seemed to feel the same. No matter how novel or new an experience was, or how big a crowd we’d drawn, or how many weeks we took off, I just felt numb. I needed something else. And taking time off wasn’t the solution. The worst part of my disconnect from touring was that at home, I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to be doing. I was consumed by thinking about how I should be spending my days. So on tour, I felt almost afraid to get home, to not having anything to do. I wanted to be a multi-dimensional person with a life that extended beyond touring, but at home, I started to feel like I was just as aimless and unsatisfied as I was on tour.
Of course, in 2018, when this all came to a head, you and I had a summit with our then-managers. I said I couldn’t do it anymore. I needed to stop the cycle. Touring is how we all make money, we were told. But you and I remained in harmony. We decided to diversify, explore, be creative in new ways, and get off the touring treadmill. I needed space from “Tegan and Sara” the touring band. You did too. So, we took it, and everything changed. I was officially multi-dimensional. We both started to build our lives at home in a different way than we ever had before. We dug into our personal lives, our romantic relationships, our interests outside of music. In the following years, we would write a book, then another, then two graphic novels, make a TV show, start this Substack, reinvent our business, write and record Crybaby. I’d become a dog parent and you a human parent. I was so busy and so focused. That aimlessness I felt five years ago went away. I feel happy. I like being productive and creative. I like contributing to my household, to my friend’s and family’s lives. I like taking care of something other than me – my plants and Georgia. I needed rest. And I got it.
There were sacrifices too, no doubt we lost some ground in our touring career by not touring for so long. For a band our size touring is a form of marketing. Without radio play or massive hits, we rely on touring for income but also for connection. I’m wondering on the eve of our first show back if we can recover what we lost? But also wondering, what did we really lose if we gained so much else? Five years later, I’m also wondering, has anything changed for me out here on the road? I think it has. For one, there was so much more to say goodbye to when I left two weeks ago. I cried for the first time in as long as I can remember when I was packing my suitcase. In the airport, after Sofia dropped me off, I felt sick to my stomach. I was quick to remind myself how lucky I am, and how I should be feeling gratitude, not loss. But that grief I felt has made my time away easier somehow. A deep appreciation for my life at home has set in. I have something to look forward to coming home to. And that’s a change I welcome. The second big change is that I have so many other projects to focus on. I cannot imagine having nothing to do on tour now. There is almost too much to do. And the fear that I’ll go home post-tour and feel aimless has also evaporated. I already have a long list of things I have to do when I get back.
Plus, in the past, we’ve scheduled years of touring at once, blocking out huge swaths of time in our calendar at the start of a record cycle. I lived in the future. I was inflexible. But this Crybaby tour is only a month long, I keep telling people and reminding myself that it’s a short one for us. And it’s the only one we have on the calendar for now. Which feels weird. There are plans being made of course. Festival offers are being accepted, and emails are flying around about touring next spring and summer. But nothing is solid. Not yet. We’ll tour again, I keep writing in the comments of our social media posts to people asking about when we’ll visit Florida, or Brazil, or Australia. But I suppose until we finish this tour we don’t really know if we will. Will it feel satisfying to be onstage again? Will our lives implode with the pressure of balancing all our projects, your new baby, our adult needs and boundaries? I can’t say for sure. And that’s okay.
Perhaps this is all I ever needed. To feel untethered from the future. To live in the present. Touring is not my favorite thing. It never was, and it never will be. I can’t guarantee that performing will be the best part of my day either. But like when Georgia nudges my leg to go outside for a walk, I know that sometimes breaking the routine I have, disrupting my flow, and forcing myself to get up and walk her has proven to be really helpful to me. I’m glad my routine of the last five years has been broken. I’m glad to be on tour. And no matter what happens after this month I know we’ve done what was best for us. And that’s all that matters.
-Tegan
Everything Changed We Hit The Ceiling.