Sara,
Sometimes I see something I like in a store, but before I go and pick it up, I circle. I have described this weird tic as prolonging pleasure. I want to feel this particular type of yearning as long as I can because too often when I’m confronted with the object I realize it isn’t as great as I thought it was. I never do this with people. I head straight for someone if they intrigue me. I don’t fear being let down by people the way I do things. At least not at first. I don’t do it with food either. If I see something on a menu that I think I’d like, I order it without even looking at the rest of my options. But I think I prolong pleasure with our music career; I hold parts of it at a distance in case it doesn’t work out. And I think I’ve been doing that about the tv show we’re making based on our memoir for the last few years.
When we started work on our memoir High School in 2018, I had no idea that one day we’d be back in Calgary, at our actual high school, making a TV show based on that memoir. NONE!
Of course, we joked about it, sure, who doesn’t make jokes about making a TV show about their life? Even when Clea called and said we had to make this a tv show, that she would write and direct, I thought, well, we can try but it probably won’t happen. I knew tons of people in the industry and had heard firsthand how hard it is to get something made. Even when we pitched to production companies in 2019 and Plan B said they wanted to partner with us it still seemed implausible that we would find a network, get a pilot made, get that greenlit, and then get a series order. Sure, it was Brad Pitt’s production company, but still. And how the hell were we going to find twins to play us who could act, sing, and emulate us at fifteen? There were so many steps, so many unknowns, and so many possible disappointments. I just stayed focused on what was in front of me: touring, our career, my relationship, moving back to Vancouver full time, lunch.
I wasn’t trying to be negative, I’m just annoyingly realistic, as you know. Pragmatic. Grounded. I think it’s been an asset to us. Right?
Then COVID hit in March 2020. Life as we knew it ground to a halt. Our spring/summer tour plans were canceled, book promotion for High School ceased, and our album, “Hey, I’m Just Like you,” died on the vine. Us being us, we came up with new things to focus on, and we went to work pitching our memoir for TV over Zoom! We pitched half a dozen times, it was fun. It seemed like it went well. But I was never like, this is getting made. I obviously HOPED it would, but I didn’t get attached. I couldn’t. When IMDB came back with the strongest offer, I let myself believe we’d get to shoot a pilot, and then like so many other shows we’d probably not get a green light. Everyone kept preparing me for that. Not in a mean way. In a steady, reasonable, reality-based way. While Clea wrote the pilot, then a second and third episode, I tried to remain hopeful, but I also started to do something else: shrug it all off. If it happens, it happens, if it doesn’t, it doesn’t, I told people. I steered clear of disappointment even then. When IMDB decided to go straight to series without shooting a pilot, I still thought, right, but there’s no way anyone is going to actually pay to make this. They’ll budget it out, and we’ll be done. I wasn’t trying to be negative, I’m just annoyingly realistic, as you know. Pragmatic. Grounded. I think it’s been an asset to us. Right?
I haven’t admitted this to anyone else, but I was also embarrassed. Why was our show getting made? This was our first time at bat, weren’t we supposed to strike out a few times? I believed that some of our experience and skills from music were transferable to these new industries we were exploring, but not our success. Even at this age, with twenty years in music behind me, it still feels like yesterday you and I were blowing pot smoke through a toilet paper roll stuffed with a Bounce dryer sheet out your bedroom window. I guess that’s why people wanted the show? To see that. Kidding! That’s not in the script. YET! But you and I struggled so much for so long. First in high school, then in music, it feels absurd to think we could get a tv show made without first living through a decade of bullshit and heartbreak.
I perform vulnerability, but can I actually live it? Maybe not. And a lot of that probably has to do with how I hate being disappointed. Behind every exhalation of holy shit, can you believe this is happening is the fear that oh oh, change of plans, it isn’t going to work out is coming.
All this to say, when I read your Alive piece about how we sometimes curb our emotions because they elicit vulnerability, I thought, you’re right. I’m not great at being vulnerable. It’s hard for me to lay it all bare, put it all on the table, expose myself to family and friends — even you — without a stage, without the lights, without a song. I perform vulnerability, but can I actually live it? Maybe not. And a lot of that probably has to do with how I hate being disappointed. Behind every exhalation of holy shit, can you believe this is happening is the fear that oh oh, change of plans, it isn’t going to work out is coming. So, I stay neutral and detached. By never feeling the high highs, I never feel the low lows. I don’t let myself swing to the extremes. I build in the middle. It makes me a bit of a buzzkill on big occasions, I know. But it’s worked for me.
When pre-production for the show started in mid-January you were so excited to go and visit, but I wasn’t. I was nervous to visit the production offices in Calgary, let alone be there for a week visiting locations, meeting the crew, because what if no one was glad I was there, what if I was in the way, what if I went and it was all amazing and I let myself get excited and then IMDB pulled the plug at the last minute? How would I survive such a tremendous loss? How would I recover from the disappointment?
As I packed to go to Calgary the second week of March when principal photography was starting, I felt delirious. A bit nervous. But also, maybe a tiny bit excited? When you and I landed, we headed to our apartments to unpack.
I unzipped my suitcase in the bedroom, and immediately texted Sofia, I didn’t even bring a black hoodie! Why did I choose to bring my brand new Doc Martens, instead of something more comfortable?! It’s like I packed drunk! It was undeniable that I was flustered, out of sorts. You had said in your first Alive post that you had forgotten toothpaste and lip chap on your first trip to Calgary. The morning we traveled together you realized you left your wallet at home when we went for coffee. I had thought, what is wrong with her? But then there I was, a few hours later, having forgotten important items myself. Something I never do. I’m an expert packer. Perhaps this was the first sign that I had allowed myself to leave the moment and become distracted by the future. That I was finally venturing out of my comfort zone, allowing myself to be something other than controlled and calm.
Two days later, I was on location, next to you, watching the first shot of High School from a director’s chair with my name on it.
I immediately had a completely different understanding of the scope and magnitude of High School. I hadn’t imagined the size of the crew, the level of professionalism, the staggering beauty of the show Clea was making, and I most definitely never imagined we’d be in the middle of it all. It was surreal watching people act out our stories.
Bizarre to be back wandering the halls of our old school. Wonderful to see the book take on new meaning. Strange, too, that it all felt meant to be. Gone was the insecurity and the fear, and in its place, there was trust that this was how it was all supposed to happen.
In high school, when we started playing music together, I thought of nothing but our future. Music was a compass and it guided me out of the dark. In adulthood, I trained myself to remain rooted in the present, and never aspire too high or too big. Just be happy with what you have. Who would have ever thought we'd get this far? On set last week, watching our story come to life, I started to daydream about what comes next.
I let myself send tons of “this is so cool” and “this is so exciting” texts. I let myself admit to a few people that the show we’re making is stunning and emotional and unique. All this might turn out great. Bigger than I imagined. But I didn’t tell too many people. Just in case.
Tegan
I'm Alive Too