Listen now | Tegan, Do you remember how rested we both felt after the world locked down in 2020? After decades of survival sleep, it was easy to forget how euphoric being unfatigued could feel.
Firstly can I say that when I saw the photo of you and Holiday, I immediately thought of Kids In The Hall “I’m pinching your face” “I’m squishing your head” Having suffered insomnia for most of my life since I was about 12, especially since my mental illness kicked in. I rarely sleep for longer than an hour before I wake up. The only time I sleep for more than 3 hours is when I’m ill e.g. when I had COVID-19 I slept for 15 hours straight. When I do wake up, I have jaw ache from clenching my jaw/teeth and my fingers are locked into fists because when I finally do sleep I suffer with severe anxiety dreams and sleep paralysis. When my mental health is at its worst like at the moment I often don’t sleep for days and have to battle the voices telling me everyone will be better off if I wasn’t here anymore. (I’m on day 3 of this so far this week. )To say it’s stressful is an understatement and I wait for the day my insomnia breaks and I can sleep for a decent 5/6 hours although I’ve learnt to just let it happen rather than try to force it nowadays. ❤️❤️
I so sorry Ali that you have to deal with that. If ya ever need to vent or chat you know where to find me. I'm a good listener. Voices are no fun in your head especially if they are saying cruel things. My bff deals with that and it can be exhausting. Make sure to do some self care and remember that we love you. You're not alone.
This talk about sleep reminds me of my college years when I was working during the day, going to class in the evening and working on school projects at night. I would take naps in my car during lunch break and fall sleep mid-sentence when writing papers lolll I didn't like going to bed as a child, I thought I was going to die and never wake up :( I have a much better relationship with sleep these days.
I as a teenager love to sleep, but too stay up very late only to set an alarm for around 7am on school days. I stayed up till past 12:30 listening to this post. I personally love my routines. I have one for what I eat for breakfast, one for lunch, and for dinner. I also have a routine of a certain amount of push ups and sit ups a night cause I like my 4 pack (no I’m not kidding), if I’m honest I do them cause, as a genderfluid person, I get Gender Dysphoria and it helps with that to have a 4 pack and muscles. So yeah I love my routine’s, in terms of sleep because of my extremely adrenaline provoking routine before bed, I, like you said you were in your 20’s, am much for productive just before bed. I get most things done on the ‘things I’ve been meaning to do that are part of my other smaller routine’s to do list’ then. Also on non school days I wake up anywhere between 9am-11am but usually sit on my iPad or phone until 1 or 2pm and then I roll out of bed, but when I do get up is usually when I cram in breakfast, wait two hours then eat lunch then wait 3 hours and eat dinner. Although the time I tend to write and be most productive with my book on those days is after I roll out of bed. Don’t know if you found that interesting? As someone who hates school more than I can put in words (and I want to write for a living) I find comfort in making and deciding my own rules and routines. I know everything I just described probably doesn’t sound like the average teenager, but that’s probably cause, if I’m honest I kind of hate most other teens (not some of my close friends, and probably not any teens on this platform but generally speaking). As I said, hope you, Sara, and whoever else reads this found it vaguely interesting. Even though it turned out to be more about my weird routines than my sleep, (sorry), but sleep is a massive part of everyone’s routine, so I guess it ties in?
Also, was just thinking about the live that you two did for the premiere of FUWM, it was 4am in Aus and the argument you and Tegan had about what was on the cake was very funny. Especially cause my 4am brain went ‘shitting what’ and you said the line about how no one probably paid attention to what you said right after, then I was scrambling to try and remember what you said! 😂! Jeez, 4am me was sad, I could’ve gone back to video and checked, than again this is 1am me signing out! Night!
I have a love-hate relationship with sleep. During childhood, I slept quickly and deeply without a worrisome thought. Adolescence hit and so did anxiety and that’s when my relationship with sleep began to get complicated. Most of my friends and cousins lived in different continents and I would stay up till 4 am during summer breaks talking to them. I’d wake up in the afternoon like I had no care in the world. I didn’t have to worry about anything; it was summer break after all. When I went back to school, I’d fix my sleep. Still, sleep was not an enemy nor a friend.
In my early 20s when I began working, sleep became a source of rest. However, only a little while after and with an atrocious heartbreak, it became my solace. I used to go back home from work and sleep till 9 PM. I’d wake up, cry, and sleep again. I wanted to run away from life. I wanted to stop thinking, so I slept.
In 2019, my friends suggested going back to grad school. I also wanted to do that because that meant I could be closer to an old lover that I still held tender feelings for. So I went back to school, but reality hit me. I couldn’t sleep after work. I had to go the school I taught at in the morning, then catch my classes from 5 to 8 PM three times a week, and when I went back home I’d be beat and just fall asleep immediately. That was good for my mental health.
Then the pandemic hit and my sleep has never been worse. I am a teacher and so when the pandemic hit, my anxiety escalated. Having to teach online and take grad school classes online shredded me to pieces. It was an endless cycle of fucked up schedules and having to please students and professors. I was also a TA and most of my professors had no clue how to use teaching platforms online so I had to prepare their exams for them, check in with the students for them, upload the materials for them...etc. On top of that, another complication in my life happened with that old lover. Not sleeping, having to overthink, and working 24/7 made every bone in my body ache. That continued until four months ago. I would sleep three hours a day and sometimes I’d go to work without a single hour of sleep and only sleep during the weekend.
When I was done with my MA in January, back to working one job apart from my part-time uni teaching twice a week, and being single, I decided to fix my sleep again. Except, now, I have to think of millions of other scenarios just to fall asleep. It would take me two hours of overthinking to finally exhaust myself at night. Other times, my life would feel so empty that I’d nap for 5 hours and then sleep again after three hours. I feel like sleep has become not only comfort, but a source of escape, which I hate. And, honestly, right now, I don’t know if I love sleep or hate it and I’m not sure if having a crazy busy schedule is good for my mental health or being this lifeless is better. (I say I am lifeless because I don’t have academic stress anymore and I only feel myself as a worthy human when I am stressed academically and don’t have time to sleep and that’s another problem I need to deal with.)
My sleeping habits have never been consistent. When I would wake up at 6am during high school, on weekends I would wake up at 8am even if I tried to sleep in. Sleep has always been something that never felt like “relaxing”. Nowadays, I don’t feel well rested even after sleeping 8 hours; I think I have found other ways to feel that way throughout the day.
I’m currently working 3 jobs throughout my week and it has definitely taken a toll on my sleep habits and mental health. I feel like I’m on a neverending hamster wheel with no end in sight. I look forward to days off now more than ever! And I’m the same way when it comes to a car in motion, I can never fall asleep even if I try. It makes long car rides boring.
When I was a bit younger, the only way for me to fall asleep was if I was listening to my favorite music and sometimes certain sounds like rain, etc. Now that I am entering my early twenties, I find myself focusing on song lyrics rather than letting it help me fall asleep.
Have you ever tried sleeping to certain sounds or music? If so, what have you listened to?
I'm one of those people who have trouble falling and staying asleep. I really have to take extra time at night to wound down so my thoughts aren't all over the place when I enter the bedroom.
It is so much fun to rewatch some of the videos you linked!
And the sleep story really resonates, even though I can't imagine what touring is like. I still 'dream' of the days I would sleep for 10, 12, 14 hours on end when I was young. Just completely leave earth for a while :')
I've always wondered what it's like to sleep on the tour bus. Never imagined the piece about the degree of darkness! I slept so well at the start of quarantine. I still notice that I sleep pretty well, but am never "caught up" on sleep anymore. I also have way lower tolerance for getting very little sleep :(
Good sleep is definitely a luxury. I can be a light sleeper as it is. I have a fan or a white noise app on to muffle silence because any little noise will rise me. Where I live there’s always weird bugs showing up in the house. I’ve literally woken to the sound of a centipede crawling on a carpet – *twice*.
Sometimes I suffer from bouts of insomnia. When I was younger it was just getting to sleep before midnight. Now-a-days it’s normally around 2 am, I’ll wake up and not be able to sleep. In those cases it’s usually because I got up to use the bathroom. I try not to let myself wake too much during that action bc I know falling back to sleep is a gamble. Recently my sister suggested I play a word search app when I can’t sleep and it’s helped a few times. Similar to reading I suppose.
One trick I taught myself when I was younger was to make up scenarios while I laid in bed trying to sleep – counting sheep is a myth IMO. I’d make little movies/tv shows in my head. I’d create characters and story arcs. Choose the actors. This would happen over days/months in bits and pieces cause the mental exhaustion would set me off to sleep. When the story I create was over. I’d start again a new.
I can go on and on how vivid I dream and can control my dreams/nightmares but that’s for another day/post. 🥱
The picture of Holiday and you is comforting for some reason. I cuddle with my cats every night. I dread sleeping somewhere else without them. I couldn’t sleep for years and was always tired. It was awful. Only a few years ago I got on a med that helped me sleep and I couldn’t believe what it felt like to be fully rested. I’m glad you are sleeping well!
tiredness" I have from the latest years of my life make me very emotional. But honestly your words make me almost cry Sara. Now at this time I enjoy the work and the feeling on what the tide will bring this day on every
paddled I make... but I never expected that the most thing I enjoy aside to those surprising emails of work, the satisfaction for a new project... is to having a good meal and rest at night and.
Read some pages at night and listen good music on the
headphones but not for avoid the noises of
neighborhood and get tired to get nocked out and "sleep" some hours.
No
Read with the calm I need, go to sleep and rest because I need it...
Sleeping is like peeing: do it whenever it's possible or you're gonna regret it later
Firstly can I say that when I saw the photo of you and Holiday, I immediately thought of Kids In The Hall “I’m pinching your face” “I’m squishing your head” Having suffered insomnia for most of my life since I was about 12, especially since my mental illness kicked in. I rarely sleep for longer than an hour before I wake up. The only time I sleep for more than 3 hours is when I’m ill e.g. when I had COVID-19 I slept for 15 hours straight. When I do wake up, I have jaw ache from clenching my jaw/teeth and my fingers are locked into fists because when I finally do sleep I suffer with severe anxiety dreams and sleep paralysis. When my mental health is at its worst like at the moment I often don’t sleep for days and have to battle the voices telling me everyone will be better off if I wasn’t here anymore. (I’m on day 3 of this so far this week. )To say it’s stressful is an understatement and I wait for the day my insomnia breaks and I can sleep for a decent 5/6 hours although I’ve learnt to just let it happen rather than try to force it nowadays. ❤️❤️
Holy crap, I have sleep paralysis too, it's the worst :( sending you love Ali ❤️
❤️❤️ it really is! Sending love right back Deby.
I so sorry Ali that you have to deal with that. If ya ever need to vent or chat you know where to find me. I'm a good listener. Voices are no fun in your head especially if they are saying cruel things. My bff deals with that and it can be exhausting. Make sure to do some self care and remember that we love you. You're not alone.
❤️❤️❤️ Thank you my friend.
This talk about sleep reminds me of my college years when I was working during the day, going to class in the evening and working on school projects at night. I would take naps in my car during lunch break and fall sleep mid-sentence when writing papers lolll I didn't like going to bed as a child, I thought I was going to die and never wake up :( I have a much better relationship with sleep these days.
That was really interesting Sara,
I as a teenager love to sleep, but too stay up very late only to set an alarm for around 7am on school days. I stayed up till past 12:30 listening to this post. I personally love my routines. I have one for what I eat for breakfast, one for lunch, and for dinner. I also have a routine of a certain amount of push ups and sit ups a night cause I like my 4 pack (no I’m not kidding), if I’m honest I do them cause, as a genderfluid person, I get Gender Dysphoria and it helps with that to have a 4 pack and muscles. So yeah I love my routine’s, in terms of sleep because of my extremely adrenaline provoking routine before bed, I, like you said you were in your 20’s, am much for productive just before bed. I get most things done on the ‘things I’ve been meaning to do that are part of my other smaller routine’s to do list’ then. Also on non school days I wake up anywhere between 9am-11am but usually sit on my iPad or phone until 1 or 2pm and then I roll out of bed, but when I do get up is usually when I cram in breakfast, wait two hours then eat lunch then wait 3 hours and eat dinner. Although the time I tend to write and be most productive with my book on those days is after I roll out of bed. Don’t know if you found that interesting? As someone who hates school more than I can put in words (and I want to write for a living) I find comfort in making and deciding my own rules and routines. I know everything I just described probably doesn’t sound like the average teenager, but that’s probably cause, if I’m honest I kind of hate most other teens (not some of my close friends, and probably not any teens on this platform but generally speaking). As I said, hope you, Sara, and whoever else reads this found it vaguely interesting. Even though it turned out to be more about my weird routines than my sleep, (sorry), but sleep is a massive part of everyone’s routine, so I guess it ties in?
Phoenix, (he/they/ri/it), 15, Australia
Also, was just thinking about the live that you two did for the premiere of FUWM, it was 4am in Aus and the argument you and Tegan had about what was on the cake was very funny. Especially cause my 4am brain went ‘shitting what’ and you said the line about how no one probably paid attention to what you said right after, then I was scrambling to try and remember what you said! 😂! Jeez, 4am me was sad, I could’ve gone back to video and checked, than again this is 1am me signing out! Night!
One of life's tragedies is having an amazing dream and waking up. 😔
I love sleep, but I typically get about 7 hours when I’m working and 10 hours when I’m not. Balance, I guess?
Whenever you tour again, my thoughts will be with you, Sara. Hope you get some rest. ❤️
I have a love-hate relationship with sleep. During childhood, I slept quickly and deeply without a worrisome thought. Adolescence hit and so did anxiety and that’s when my relationship with sleep began to get complicated. Most of my friends and cousins lived in different continents and I would stay up till 4 am during summer breaks talking to them. I’d wake up in the afternoon like I had no care in the world. I didn’t have to worry about anything; it was summer break after all. When I went back to school, I’d fix my sleep. Still, sleep was not an enemy nor a friend.
In my early 20s when I began working, sleep became a source of rest. However, only a little while after and with an atrocious heartbreak, it became my solace. I used to go back home from work and sleep till 9 PM. I’d wake up, cry, and sleep again. I wanted to run away from life. I wanted to stop thinking, so I slept.
In 2019, my friends suggested going back to grad school. I also wanted to do that because that meant I could be closer to an old lover that I still held tender feelings for. So I went back to school, but reality hit me. I couldn’t sleep after work. I had to go the school I taught at in the morning, then catch my classes from 5 to 8 PM three times a week, and when I went back home I’d be beat and just fall asleep immediately. That was good for my mental health.
Then the pandemic hit and my sleep has never been worse. I am a teacher and so when the pandemic hit, my anxiety escalated. Having to teach online and take grad school classes online shredded me to pieces. It was an endless cycle of fucked up schedules and having to please students and professors. I was also a TA and most of my professors had no clue how to use teaching platforms online so I had to prepare their exams for them, check in with the students for them, upload the materials for them...etc. On top of that, another complication in my life happened with that old lover. Not sleeping, having to overthink, and working 24/7 made every bone in my body ache. That continued until four months ago. I would sleep three hours a day and sometimes I’d go to work without a single hour of sleep and only sleep during the weekend.
When I was done with my MA in January, back to working one job apart from my part-time uni teaching twice a week, and being single, I decided to fix my sleep again. Except, now, I have to think of millions of other scenarios just to fall asleep. It would take me two hours of overthinking to finally exhaust myself at night. Other times, my life would feel so empty that I’d nap for 5 hours and then sleep again after three hours. I feel like sleep has become not only comfort, but a source of escape, which I hate. And, honestly, right now, I don’t know if I love sleep or hate it and I’m not sure if having a crazy busy schedule is good for my mental health or being this lifeless is better. (I say I am lifeless because I don’t have academic stress anymore and I only feel myself as a worthy human when I am stressed academically and don’t have time to sleep and that’s another problem I need to deal with.)
Also, sorry for the long post. I needed to rant.
OH MY GOD! Why is this a 5-paragraph essay? 😣 I’m so sorry. Should’ve written an ode to sleep and it would’ve been shorter.
My sleeping habits have never been consistent. When I would wake up at 6am during high school, on weekends I would wake up at 8am even if I tried to sleep in. Sleep has always been something that never felt like “relaxing”. Nowadays, I don’t feel well rested even after sleeping 8 hours; I think I have found other ways to feel that way throughout the day.
I’m currently working 3 jobs throughout my week and it has definitely taken a toll on my sleep habits and mental health. I feel like I’m on a neverending hamster wheel with no end in sight. I look forward to days off now more than ever! And I’m the same way when it comes to a car in motion, I can never fall asleep even if I try. It makes long car rides boring.
When I was a bit younger, the only way for me to fall asleep was if I was listening to my favorite music and sometimes certain sounds like rain, etc. Now that I am entering my early twenties, I find myself focusing on song lyrics rather than letting it help me fall asleep.
Have you ever tried sleeping to certain sounds or music? If so, what have you listened to?
I'm one of those people who have trouble falling and staying asleep. I really have to take extra time at night to wound down so my thoughts aren't all over the place when I enter the bedroom.
It is so much fun to rewatch some of the videos you linked!
And the sleep story really resonates, even though I can't imagine what touring is like. I still 'dream' of the days I would sleep for 10, 12, 14 hours on end when I was young. Just completely leave earth for a while :')
I really enjoy that you add links to other articles and resources! 😊
I've always wondered what it's like to sleep on the tour bus. Never imagined the piece about the degree of darkness! I slept so well at the start of quarantine. I still notice that I sleep pretty well, but am never "caught up" on sleep anymore. I also have way lower tolerance for getting very little sleep :(
Good sleep is definitely a luxury. I can be a light sleeper as it is. I have a fan or a white noise app on to muffle silence because any little noise will rise me. Where I live there’s always weird bugs showing up in the house. I’ve literally woken to the sound of a centipede crawling on a carpet – *twice*.
Sometimes I suffer from bouts of insomnia. When I was younger it was just getting to sleep before midnight. Now-a-days it’s normally around 2 am, I’ll wake up and not be able to sleep. In those cases it’s usually because I got up to use the bathroom. I try not to let myself wake too much during that action bc I know falling back to sleep is a gamble. Recently my sister suggested I play a word search app when I can’t sleep and it’s helped a few times. Similar to reading I suppose.
One trick I taught myself when I was younger was to make up scenarios while I laid in bed trying to sleep – counting sheep is a myth IMO. I’d make little movies/tv shows in my head. I’d create characters and story arcs. Choose the actors. This would happen over days/months in bits and pieces cause the mental exhaustion would set me off to sleep. When the story I create was over. I’d start again a new.
I can go on and on how vivid I dream and can control my dreams/nightmares but that’s for another day/post. 🥱
Aww you as a baby ♥️♥️♥️♥️ Very nice. That’s all I’m saying Bc well I’ll stick my feet in mouth. So I stay quite it. Love ya!
The picture of Holiday and you is comforting for some reason. I cuddle with my cats every night. I dread sleeping somewhere else without them. I couldn’t sleep for years and was always tired. It was awful. Only a few years ago I got on a med that helped me sleep and I couldn’t believe what it felt like to be fully rested. I’m glad you are sleeping well!
I know that the
tiredness" I have from the latest years of my life make me very emotional. But honestly your words make me almost cry Sara. Now at this time I enjoy the work and the feeling on what the tide will bring this day on every
paddled I make... but I never expected that the most thing I enjoy aside to those surprising emails of work, the satisfaction for a new project... is to having a good meal and rest at night and.
Read some pages at night and listen good music on the
headphones but not for avoid the noises of
neighborhood and get tired to get nocked out and "sleep" some hours.
No
Read with the calm I need, go to sleep and rest because I need it...
Nowadays thats a privilege.
JJ